Hello friends,

I have always wanted to list out, in great detail, the parts of my life which i know.. in my heart of hearts.. were bad. We need to define bad, sometime. No wait we don’t because there are no universal truths except that there are no universal truths.

Get ready, because i’m a spoiled white kid who has more emotions than a group of ballet dancers on ecstasy, and my misadventures are utterly pathetic considering i had the right tools and used them in a pro-social way. I warned you.


Ages fetus – 3 (per the loads of home videos. ill make it sexual when i can):

  • Pees on uncle while getting baptized
  • Pees on own face when getting change
  • Shits in bathtub
  • Small scale manipulation; extracting sympathy, blatant lies, animated and over-dramatized character portrayal in preschool and family gatherings.
  • Drew a kick-ass group murder scene for a preschool project. Haven’t drawn anything gruesome since, so it’s relevant.

Ages 4 – 7

  • Nothing really. Stopped taking home videos and don’t remember anything particularly interesting. Being held back in school for lack of social skills and obsessing over a fairly ugly girl while more attractive girls obsessed over me. I think i liked her because she never picked up the phone.. What a bitch right? What a dope bitch.
  • Sort of tried to suffocate my sibling a couple times but they were feeble attempts. Something about suffocation..
  • Started down hill skiing – often got yelled at for passing my parents, or by other families for crashing into them in the que for the chairlift. This is relevant because i must have crashed into people in line.. i’d bet on the number, 20 times? Easily over a dozen. But this number probably pushes into ages 8 and 9 as well. I couldn’t have been that stupid..


Alright, sorry for the anticlimactic story, but i’ll finish the rest another time. This is more for me, anyway, to help me have a solid outline in order to recognize behavioral patterns and understand what i must have felt as a kid, considering my parents said i was a really quiet baby. But what was going on in my head? Food sex and sugar? Why is this bitch videotaping me? How come you say my name just to get my attention and then say nothing when i look at you? Why does this square not fit into this circular hole?

Find out next time..

No next time i graduate 2nd or third grade actually. God i can’t wait until we make it to high school. Accent on the high.





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